love letters written in chalk on rainy afternoons

sometimes it's more about trying...

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 02:04:39 GMT

just something i wrote a while back - my lackluster creativity at it's best...

Big Dreams, Bigger Letdowns.

I hate this - this horrible, uncontrollable cycle that I am powerless to stop. No matter how many times I tell myself I don’t care or it doesn’t matter, the tears still come, their saltiness streaming quickly down my face. I miss him. It doesn’t make sense. At least I can’t comprehend it. I’ve tried – a million times, every second of every day… and in the end, I always still miss him, even when I can’t quite figure out why.
And then come the questions, one after another until my mind aches and body crumbles.
-what did I do wrong?
-why didn’t you want me?
-why did you leave?
It’s all so dumb – these stupid questions that persist in never-ending succession just waiting until I break and the tears start anew. I’m so foolish to assume answers will ever come. And I always still miss him, more than he will ever realize, more than he will ever know. I miss him more than I want to and even more than I’ll ever admit even to myself.
When I was younger, I believed he’d come back. One day, I’d walk home from school and see his red pick-up in the driveway right where it always used to be. I’d walk in the door; he’d be sitting at the table. He’d put down his coffee, open his mouth, and… and.. then it all fades away, sometimes slowly, usually quickly, as I stand there grasping at the growing darkness, searching for some way to bring him back, to hold on to the moment for just a moment longer.
Sometimes I miss him, but I’m glad he’s gone. I mean, what could he really do for me anyway? I won’t even ask what he would do. I already know the answer to that. Him leaving kind of proved it, wouldn’t you agree? But seriously, what could a man you never even got the chance to know do for you? It’s a question I’m finding increasingly difficult to answer. Perhaps that’s just the way it goes.
Some days though, I’m not as strong. I’ll miss him so bad, my stomach aches. It’s an empty sort of pain, one that never goes away no matter how much I try to fill the void. It’s almost as if there’s a leak somewhere and no patch could ever fix it.

...

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 05:33:24 GMT

so it goes something like this -

you get a letter.
you give a letter.
you want a letter.
i send a letter.

leah gave me s... because she loves me.

top 10 s related items:
1. sharks (of course)
2. school friends and silly conversations and even stranger nicknames
3. summer camp and spikey <3
4. shift 8
5. storms (of the thundering variety)
6. storybook places just past the stars
7. sixty-seven degree weather
8. say anything
9. sitting on amber
10. swingsets and staying young at heart

(my extended list)
11. snapshots
12. shiny objects
13. study lounges
14. shortcuts through the bathroom
15. short jokes (well, not really but the people who make them)

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 04:38:33 GMT

i hate that he knows me so well.

remembering but not reliving...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 21:04:28 GMT

Thirteen years old, a glowing ninety seven on the scale
Three digits coming soon, feeling as large as a whale.
Thirteen years old, already fretting about my weight.
Using diets and exercise to fix the body I hate.
Thirteen years old, eating only lettuce on bread.
Believing even that is just more calories to shed.
Thirteen years old, fainting as I walk down the halls
Denying that not eating is the cause of my falls.
Thirteen years old, the blackouts becoming a daily trend.
Yet still dismissing worries from my family and friends.
Thirteen years old, my emaciated body gaunt and thin,
My ribs and spine poking out from under my skin.
Thirteen years old, just a child – barely even a teen.
Yet equating food with enemy and pounds with obscene.

Thirteen years old – only thirteen years old…
Thirteen years old, and I’m just following the mold.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 00:08:42 GMT

i'm starting to think about the future. i like it.

...sometimes.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 00:30:35 GMT

i miss chicago.

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 20:26:46 GMT

if you happened to see a gang of 20 kids riding bikes around chicago last night between 9pm and 5am, that was me.

but late at night, when we're alone... we mostly play battleship.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 19:16:27 GMT

i have entirely way too much time on my hands. simple as that. today, i checked facebook about a zillion times. signed on and off myspace about the same. and checked my email about once every five minutes. biggest news: i really don't have a life and need to get away from the computer. (yet, i'm here updating this thing. mmhmm. exactly.)

so the [non]life of rachael -
got a job. have an interview for a second. getting an aparment. meeting amanda about that today. paid one parking ticket. chicago won't let me pay the second. and that's reallly about it.
favorite moment so far - singing "cause making love to you might drivve me crazy" at the top of my lungs with my mom. yeah. that was entertaining. i'm hoping for more.

i suppose that is all. [end]

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 01:58:24 GMT

life is boring. wait. in order for that to be true, i would need a life. i don't have one. YET. i will get one soon. i'm determined.

goals:
1. get a life
2. succeed in operation make my pants fit

other than that, i'm attempting to find employment. however, my "current" (in the loosest way possible) job doesn't start until october 2nd. yeah that's right, OCTOBER. that's a month. just about. a month with no money is just a sad month. ah well... joblessness won't last forever and then i'll have more life than i'm ready to handle. oh the joys of growing old.

and ps: this amused me. it rhymes.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 43% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 03:29:27 GMT

so...
camp is good.
the people are great.
life is going well.
the end.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 02:16:51 GMT

i just wanted to inform everyone that jesus may in fact be a homosexual. i mean... you never know.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 21:34:47 GMT

interview. april 26. summer planned. check.
next year? not so much.
graduate. job. life. real time. grow up. adult.
laura. me. apartment. milwaukee. hope. love.
christopher. chicago. visits. definite.
home. family. hugs. happiness.
missing the east. yes. surprise visits. needed.
the end.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 15:04:33 GMT

SPAMALOT!
TONIGHT!
IN NYC!
AHHHH!

maybe just a tad bit excited.

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 03:18:06 GMT

i want to be good.
i want to be great.

and honestly... i don't know if i ever will be.

amber does not like when i do this

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 00:32:10 GMT

amber: YOU AND YOUR SECRETIVE CODE WRITING. YOU ARE NOT A SECRET AGENT, RACHAEL. YOU ARE A MCGARRY.

here's another one for you - i'm halfway decided. now, all that's left is the answers from the others & his final decision.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 17:48:45 GMT

my life -
i've made a decision about my future. i'm ok with it. there are certain issues i need to work out, but they are internal ones, things i just need to face and get over. i'm a little scared - it's a little scary. but... it's worth it.

3 days til home.
3 days til thrifting, laurabelle, sitting on amber, the monsters, a haircut, pictures, relaxing, ari, mi mommita, hopefully lea, carlos's laugh, my daddy asleep, 1am evan talks, my bed, free drinks, invading my sister's house, happiness.

real life - t minus 10 weeks.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 03:40:30 GMT

i'm in the mood to grow up. at 22, that should have already happened, but being at school kinda delayed it just a bit. i know this is nothing new - the wanting of a place of my own or a schedule that doesn't change week by week - but it still hit me hard the second i pulled into stonehill tonight. spring break is over. there is only about 2 months left of my college career. my family is already talking about graduation. the end is coming faster than i'm really ready for, yet at the same time, i don't know how i'm going to get through the next 2 months. i'm losing focus and interest was waning from day one. it'll be a struggle that's for sure.

seriously though... i just want to know where i'm living and what i'll be doing. as much as i don't plan, it'd still be nice to have some direction.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 03:46:29 GMT

random thought -
laying in bed. writing this entry. watching project runway. cori's reading. and it just feels nice being here like this. me sprawled across my bed & her just sitting with her legs hanging over mine. it just reminds me of home, of friends & how things are there. it's nice having that here as well. that is all.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:07:23 GMT

decision #24 of the day: regarding excitement
i like having things that always, without a doubt make me smile. nice little pick-me-ups & outlets for my enthusiasm.

so patricio called today - conversation as follows:
him: who's your favorite actor again?
me: (without pause) john cusack.
him: yes. ok. good.
me: why?
him: i'm renting it tonight. steven asked me who was in it. i couldn't remember but i knew he was your favorite.
-my love for john is known far and wide. ahh... life.

oh the subject of my love - i'm somewhere just short of perfection & loving every moment of it. (i know that's somewhat cheesy, maybe even lame, & very sappy but it's me & yeah. i'm a dork.)

and yes - i feel the need to create. i am sick of being in this rut, this absence of imaginative productivity. so yes... that is my life right now. the end.

i'm quickly losing interest. i really hope i find it.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 03:56:30 GMT

i'm on a quest - a search for inspiration. it used to come so effortlessly, a natural ease. and now? now i need to find it - to go out looking for it - to capture it and hold it in a jar. i've lost my touch, my grace. i've grown old and dried out. entrancing tales no longer flow from my lips. captivating dialogues no longer exit through my fingertips. what little i had is now gone. missing perhaps? lost quite possibly. and i am left not knowing what to do.

-random-
had a weekend.
made a dinner.
received some hugs.
returned some kisses.
felt love.
the end.

oh rocky! that's no way to behave on your first night out!

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 18:42:20 GMT

when: thursday, february 16
where: conn college
why: ROCKY HORROR!
who: cori's crew

all i can say is - it was fun times. fun fun scandalous times. the end.

as a specimen yes i'm intimidating.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 16:49:00 GMT

IMPORTANT NEWS!!
sing-a-longs in the dulac study lounge are the newest, hottest trend. you must participate. it's a guaranteed good time. cross my heart.

ps: cori and i have too much fun for our own good. it's really bad when we start cracking ourselves up even more than each other.
<3s for my "other other". (and don't worry - i think we'll always be saying "i'm sorry" to each other & that's just the way it is.)

honestly though, i can't think of a way you could disappoint me*

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 03:22:23 GMT

today, my daddy became an even older man. that probably is meaningless to all of you, but i thought it should be known anyway. he's a good man. and i love him. i honestly still feel a little tingle when my cousins tell me he's their favorite uncle and i get to say that he's my dad. i'm a jerk. i know. so yes - today is his birthday. celebrate it well.

other than that, this message made me laugh.
-can i please see you drunk sometime.
-i think it would be very amusing.

anyway... i should probably get back to this paper seeing how it's past 10 and i'm still nowhere worth mentioning. why am i such a sentence critic? i hoard good ones and nothing else compares. therefore, i am left with scattered ideas and fragments but nothing concrete or even paperesque. it's going to be a long night. (though if i could talk this paper out, i'm well over done. score for being me! whoo!)

i'd rather say "me too" because that means you said it first.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 14:38:49 GMT

a quick look at my calendar tells me i'm going to be 22 in 2 weeks. yet, i was still mistaken for a girl scout this saturday. i'm turning into a mini version of my sister. ah well.

school has begun. 3rd week in & i'm already dreading upcoming tests and papers and the ever-looming final grades. i'm just not in the mood. my brain is currently focused on my apartment and life after college. that's the primary thought and i am just not any good at multitasking. however, i'm even procrastinating that - though, not necessarily my fault entirely. a few things need to be in order before i can decide a final destination for my carload of crap. hopefully by march i'll know the answer and cross the other two off my list.

things have been happening. never anything major of course, but still happening nonetheless. i think i'd rather it that way. you get the change, the sudden jolt, but never the upheaval or complete disruption. i think i could be a fan.
---newest twist - finding out the world is round instead of flat. (don't worry. it's not important to understand.) i must say it was just a bit of shock, but it's wearing off. at least i know. that's the important part.

-some things are ending. some things are beginning. others are just continuing along.-
ps: my john*

and sometimes goodbye is the best thing you could ever say...

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 04:14:14 GMT

thoughts. just a couple of them. not even all my own. about loss - permanent and personal. saying goodbye before you expected to, before you wanted to. saying goodbye when goodbye was never part of the shared vocabulary. saying goodbye to the anchors and foundations, to the support beams that help you stand. saying goodbye... it always means the end. not necessarily forever but for a time. it causes tears and brings on fears. it infers distance, emotional and logistical. --goodbye. what's so good about it anyway? nothing really comes to mind.

the end of a friendship is about the hardest break up you could ever endure.
**remember, i love you. it gets easier in time.